PMDD stories: living on the edge

This story highlight one of the darkest parts of this disorder and how much it affects the people around us, the people we love the most and want to hurt the least. As this story is about suicide thoughts we want to raise a warning for strong content for readers.

My strongest memory of PMDD was when I was home with my two, at the time, quite young children. I had struggled the whole day to keep calm. Or, at least not explode in rage. They where being as toddlers are, loud, noisy, crying, clinging onto me and in my worst days, I have a really hard time handling light, sound and touch. It’s as if my senses become enhanced and I find it difficult to handle the extremely high noises that feel like knifes cutting through my brain, the touch of others that make me jump and cringe and normal daylight becomes too bright for my eyes to handle making me peer as if I’ve been working in a mine all day coming out in the sunlight.

In the afternoon it just became too much of everything and I needed to get away so I went to another room trying to get some space and needed break but they followed me around. I tried to get away from their little hands that desperately wanted to be lifted up in my arms and be cuddled.

Instead I turned away and went into another room trying to escape them. They followed me around crying and while I felt terrible I couldn’t comfort my children. It all became too much to handle and the stress made me burst into a horrible rage screaming and crying. Both of them stopped and I could see that I scared them. They both cried in the most heartbreaking way and still, I couldn’t comfort them. I was panicking and locked myself up in the bathroom hyperventilating. When I finally calmed down I went into the bedroom finding my daughter fast asleep on the bed while my son silently cried beside the bed.

I cried, hugged and comforted my son as best as I could asking for forgiveness. After that occasion my son refused to be around me when the dad was around. He screamed and cried when he left for work, he refused to be put to bed by me and it was so hurtful even though I understood why. I had deeply hurt our bond and his trust in me. My daughter didn’t seem to be as affected but it was heartbreaking to know that she fell asleep crying, scared and alone without comfort from me.

After the incident I felt terrible, I fell into such a dark place questioning myself to the very point where I felt it would be better for my children that I weren’t in their lives. My head and thoughts were spinning fast and I just couldn’t let my children experience this everey month. I figured I was a better mom by leaving them so that they didn’t have to live through this darkness every month. I was convinced they would be better off without me so I started comparing different options with divorce, leaving them going abroad or just kill myself. I knew I couldn’t live with myself if I would move away and not see them anymore so I figured suicide would be the best solution.

Soon after I got my period and although I felt extremely guilty and sad for what’ve happened the suicdal thoughts disappeared and I talked to my husband about it. After that we made strategies if it would happen again.

It took a while but I and my son got our bond back together again.

I know I’m not alone in this cruel disorder and I just want you to know that there are so many people loving you. Remember that your brain is playing you a joke. Don’t be too hard on yourself, accept and love yourself for the person you are and realize the beauty you do bring in others and your own life!

If suicide is on your mind call or chat with National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-237-8255 or chat with them on their site suicidepreventionlifeline. If you’re thinking about taking your own life now, please call 911!